All The Wasted Time & Energy

I have discovered the only one who’s been fooled is me. I can’t tell you how much time and energy I’ve put into keeping my personal life personal. One of the highest driving values I have is honesty. There’s one aspect of my life that I haven’t felt I can be honest about due to events and circumstances. I also thought I did a pretty good job of keeping everyone fooled about who I am. It turns out the joke is on me!

I have had a couple conversations on the phone within the past week. I have reached out to people who are very important to me and shared with them that I am gay. My biggest fear is rejection. I feared they would see me through all the stereotypes that go along with being gay. I have been blown away by the responses of my Florida Mom and my cousin who has been like a sister since we were kids.

What I have discovered is they have known for a very long time. They have both given me space and opportunities to talk about it. I never took those opportunities due to fear of losing their love and acceptance. I’ve discovered I was putting my issues, stories and stereotypes on them instead of letting them have their own reaction to it. I now look back on all the energy I used to hide something they already suspected and didn’t really care about. Both of them said it doesn’t change who I am. I can't tell you how much love I have for these people who have shown me unconditional love!!

For too long I have lived through my negative experiences of being forced out of a job at Bank One and forced out of a church due to suspicions. I have moved thousands of miles away from my immediate family in fear they would find out. I have lost family time, friend time, precious time due to these fears.

I wish someone would have told me a long time ago that I could be who I am without masks, without stories and it would be ok. I have some friends who may immediately pray upon reading this post. I have my own views and I don’t put God in any box. I believe God doesn’t make mistakes, I believe he loves me and he’s much more enlightened than any of us here on earth. Believe me it’s hard to be gay and spiritual/religious. I just thank God I grew up in church and my foundation is built upon Him. I plan on seeing everyone in heaven when my time on this planet is finished.

I will close with this quote:

“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder, than one closed by belief” - Gerry Spence